I did part of a writing class today from the Duke Health Humanities Lab. (More info if you want it.) Here’s what I wrote before I had to run off to another meeting.
Prompt: Write about your deepest thoughts and feelings about COVID-19– thinking about how it has affected relationships, including with yourself. Stay with thoughts and feelings, rather than details.
It’s a little navel-gazy. I know. Sorry. Feel free to skip this post!
I miss people. I didn’t realize where cuddles were on the hierarchy of needs until now, but they’re pretty important.
I miss people, but I also feel cocooned a little bit. I’m in my warm, safe space and it’s much harder for me to reach out than it was a week ago. It’s like the feeling when you wake up in the morning, warm and comfortable, and you know you’ll feel awful if you stay in bed all day, logically, but for this moment, there’s nothing you’d rather do than curl up under the covers forever and it feels like it will always be warm and safe there, and cold and bracing everywhere else.
I worry that my life will be different when this is over. I worry that people will forget me. I worry that I will forget people, too. That I will forget how funny my nieces are and how smart my sister is and how strong my brother is. I worry that I will forget how to relate. I worry that I won’t be able to stand to be in the same room with actual people.
But then there are days when all I want is someone to sit with me. They don’t even have to speak or touch me or react. Just sit with me. I just want to hear another person breathe and smell another person’s laundry detergent on their clothes. I want to remember what it’s like to hug, to feel someone’s bones and tissues with my arms.
I wish I didn’t have so much time to think, but I also wish I had more time. Being alone and busy is a new experience. I am alone but I am always chasing down deadlines and taking care of the next big task. My to-do list is never done. Silent reflection isn’t really a thing. Just silent work. Silent jamming away at everything that needs to get done. Silent neglecting my house chores and the phone calls I need to make. Silent not having any time to breathe. Basically a lot of silence.
Some days I’m ok, or just numb. And then for a panicked moment, I remember that it’s not even April yet, and we’ll be doing this until April 30, best case scenario. How? How will I survive this way? How will I learn to live in this reality without connection? I’m not sure that I can. But I have to. I don’t have a choice.
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